Thursday, February 16, 2006

Working out the Kinks

What is success? I think it is…knowing that it is not enough, that you have got to have hard work and a certain sense of purpose.

Margaret Thatcher

Yesterday was a successful day. The sun was out, the air was crisp and blue, and I had work to do. I read other women’s posts, the ones they write at the end of an exhausting, whirlwind day filled to overflowing with errands, tasks, and responsibilities. They are dog tired and squeeze out a precious minute or two to jot a few lines before falling into bed; mostly to say they would sell their right arm for a little quiet time. And I wish I could tell them, make them understand: You don’t know how lucky you are.

I would give anything to have that, right now. I am a naturally high-energy person; running my butt off is what I do best. Unfortunately, I am also naturally melancholy…bordering on depressive. An odd combination. And it has been difficult. Imagine physically needing to be busy, to be occupied, keeping three or four balls in the air at one time, but at the same time, being depressed to the point of not really being able to move. It’s like wading through crude oil; desperate to go forward (or anywhere at all…) but you can’t move your feet. And you have some kind of itching powder just under your skin that you can’t get rid of. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it IS how it feels.

After the rush and bustle of the holidays, I had the entire month of January "off." I can hear people out there saying, "A month off? What I wouldn’t give for that!" What I wouldn’t have given to have had work during that month! Without something to force the wheels to turn, to make me get out of bed in the morning, I ground to a standstill. I couldn’t do anything. I’d start little projects, lose interest almost immediately, and then wander on to the next thing. I am completely unmotivated to do things just because I want to. I need to have to. There needs to be some accountability, some deadline, some "this needs to be done and only I can do it" attached to a task, or I just don’t follow through. That’s why the whole "job" thing was such a see-saw life for me, all those years I was out there in the workaday world. My personality is such that finding the right job—working for someone else—was nearly impossible. I think it was because I needed to be needed…needed to be the one that, if I didn’t haul my ass out of bed and get to work, the important stuff wasn’t going to get done. I had exactly one job like that in my whole life, and it was my dream job. Most employers, however, are in the business of making it crystal clear to their employees that they are far from irreplaceable…the old "Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" philosophy. That just does not work for me.

So, anyway, yesterday was a good day. I have my first event of the season coming up in a week. I have—praise the Creator—work to do. I have to buy supplies, make product, spiff up equipment, make lists, check things off the lists, run my butt off…for at least a few hours a day, anyway. And it makes the sunshine a little brighter, the blue sky a little bluer, and my night’s sleep a little more welcome. Life is good.


ckays1967 said...

This is for both posts....


(Excellent writing, by the way.)

gigi said...

High-energy and depressive sounds like a crippling combination. It must feel dreadful! Honey, I think you should talk to your doctor. Menopause can trigger all sorts of imbalances, including depression. You never know. But you've been saying 'unhappy' in so many other words for some time now. And it just shouldn't be like that.

I'm so glad you're gearing up to be busy! Yay! It's nice to hear you say life is good. Just don't neglect your health, right? Check it out. It could make a world of difference in how you feel... :)

emmapeelDallas said...

I know what you mean about there needs to be some deadline. I require that, too, and periodically invite friends over for a glass of wine just to force me to clean my house. I especially like what you said about having something to do making the sunshine a little brighter and the sky more blue...that is so true.

Robbie said...

Yeah! I try to leave an entry twice on your previous entry and both times it took too fricken long to open that I had to give up. But, this box popped right up.

I can so relate to what you speak of here. Although, I'm beginning to appreciate a slower pace after having taken time off over the holidays and stayed home with no set plans. It was wonderful except I didn't get nearly enough done.

I'm surprised you have a job so early in the season. But...I'm very happy for you.

One last thing, your character is not unusual. Many depressives have the same style. It's a coping mechanism to keep that busy to avoid dealing with the root of the depression. So, my arm-chair psychology tells me. ;-)

Cynthia said...

I am so glad to read this and hear a brighter tone. I need some busy-ness in my life from an external source or I withdraw too much, so I identify strongly with this entry. I think Gigi's advice is very good.

Lisa :-] said...

This is a test comment, since so many people are telling me they are having trouble leaving comments.

Globetrotter said...

We share a helluva lotta common traits.

These days I wake up and wonder why the hell I'm still breathing since I'm utterly useless to society, (although my husband still enjoys me on occasion.)

I want to work....I don't want to work. I'm also melancholy and get even more melancholy when I'm working for a bunch of assholes.

I have to work for myself. Period.

I'm glad you have a busy schedule coming up. I can't wait to drop by your blog and discover that you are using your last ounce of energy to turn out another well-written, intelligent and informative post about the Bastard-in Chief or why Mid- Life Matters don't matter anymore when your future's in the hands of an elitist cabal sans brains.

Maybe, you'll even inspire me to get a job, Lisa.

We'll see.

alphawoman said...

When I took the break from working for almost three was very difficult after the first two weeks!!! Goodl uck with the new season coming up. Looking forward to hearing about all the events!